Sometimes there are those days that whiz by…those days that float lazily on, pleasantly, almost gently even, hardly disturbing our existence. There are also days that sink to the pit of our soul and pierce our existence. These days our necessary. These are the days we grow. These days are not days at all. They are centuries, they can even be longer. Einstein said time doesn’t exist. It’s relative. We are moments , whose lengths can be changed according to our experience of them.
We are moments, and today, was filled with growing moments. Sick, painful, centuries-long moments passed by me today.
I can deal with bad days. I am not perfect, and don’t live under the impression that everything should go my way. But at 23 there will be those days that make me question some of the basic values that are
Core to my existence. I never believed In truly bad people,
I never truly believed in blind hate. I thought, naively so, that these stoic
Characteristics were only present for villains, things of fictional
Value. And then on days like this I am faced with reality. Growing up is all about facing realities. Friends will betray you, people will blindly hate you, and obstacles you have no control over nor deserve will fall at your feet. Deal with it. at least Its what i keep telling myself. “Deal with it”. Just, deal. Soul hurt. Deal. All we can do is be decent people, and just, deal. Fight everything with decency. Fight never to lose your decency. Some days, I almost lose that fight. On these days I write.
Tomorrow is a new day.
You ever wonder if you’re really fucked up?
We go through life and we have all these experiences, many of them really fucked up experiences… you ever wonder how bad these things have fucked you up?
For a chronic optimist like myself it’s almost a curse sometimes. You ever become so good at believing your own bullshit that you start questioning whether you’re just fucked up in the head but no one can really notices? It’s like a catch 22. We all want to seem like we have it all together, like we’re on the right track, and expect to be able to relate to our peers in honest ways. Who is the show for? Why SEEM to be anything? I’m smart, ive realized this, and I can speak well and I can just about convince you the sky is maroon if I wanted to. This day in age I feel like a lot of us are good at that. Sometimes though, I wish I wasn’t so good at it. Sometimes I wish somebody would walk up to me and say hey you look like you’re confused about shit.
I’m not good with open wounds. I don’t believe in them. I’m a chronic optimist, I feel pain, I get over it, and I immediately start counting the ways the pain makes me a better person. I don’t think that’s the way pain works though. I think it fucks with us until we deal with it, all the ugly sick, parts of it: Even the parts that don’t necessarily make us a better person. Pain has a way of fucking you up when you try to act like its not there. You let pain thrive long enough and you’ll forget where it come from and why it’s there. But i assure you, its there. I think that’s the worst part. When you get to the point that you feel like something’s missing and you can’t figure out what it is.
I’m not sure, but I could make a really good case that that feeling means the thing you’re missing is a part of yourself you lost. Somewhere along the line, along the pain, and fucked up relationships and tough times there was something you left behind. Some part of you you couldn’t bare to deal with.
Sometimes with loss we focus on the things or the people we lose as we treck through.. We focus on the job we lost, the opportunity we lost, the person we lost, the love we lost, and forget to cater to the fact these experiences can make us lose parts of ourself: Maybe it’s an ideology you lost a long the way, maybe it was some innocence you lost, maybe you lost something you believed in, or you gave up on a goal, or lost your faith in people, or trust… What I’m saying is, i feel like bad experiences can really pile up when you don’t realize how traumatizing and confusing it could be to lose parts of yourself, and how easy it is to not realize it when you’re busy trying to convince yourself it’ll be alright.
I’ve been sitting here trying to figure out how to end this in the perfect way. Well, you know what, I have no grand conclusion or philosophical epiphany that came to me. I still feel just as fucked up as I did when I started writing this. And you know what? That’s life. That’s just the way it goes, so this will be as honest as possible. Sometimes I don’t know what it all means, and today I’m okay with that. Today I’m not going to try to make it sound good. After all, if a tree collapses in the middle of a desolate forest and no one is there to hear it crash, did it make a sound? And does it matter? Who cares what something sounds or seems like if it doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things, what should matter to you is you, and preserving all the parts of yourself that are you, and are honest. that inner voice inside of you is what’s going to get you through the most agonizing moments of your life and when that agony comes along, and it will, you’re gonna really wish that you recognize you when you need yourself the most. Today I don’t care that this doesn’t end in a beautiful way or sound optimistic. This piece of writing is a stream of consciousness, an honest slice of my life. Like you, I’m just trying to figure it all out. I’m still trying to get to know me, even the parts of me I’ve lost.
It was that familiar feeling of wanting to give your whole life to somebody. I had felt it before, once, years ago, And it nearly killed me. You know that feeling of wanting to protect someone and give them every fiber of your being so that they never feel sad, lonely, or in need of anything for the rest of their life? yeah i felt that again. i thought I could never feel like that again. When a woman is falling in love it’s like something beautiful blooms in the pit of Your stomach And all you want to do is nurture. It’s beautiful yes, and it also sucks big elephant dick. Because once that flower has been destroyed by a selfish man-child you never Know if that feeling can ever come back. thats why i dont date much, i know every time you really try and It dies you’re really never the same. So naturally I just said fuck it. Because I realized i do still have the Ability to love in the purest and honest sense of the word, and I’m not ready to fuck that up or risk that, until I meet someone who wants that and is ready for it. that may never come, and im so cool with that, but I will not waste that kind of love. I rather it stay inside of me. I like to waste a lot of things, and that little spark that lives in my soul is not one of them.
People act like not caring is something you should be proud of. Like reaching that point is some kind of medal that you get when you get through shit. People act like not giving a fuck is something good, something that makes them better. They wear it like a badge of honor. Like a trophy. Like its hard or or something. Not giving a fuck is the easiest thing in the world. It’s the easiest thing and the worst thing life does to people. Life hurts people and it hurts people till it can’t hurt them anymore. That’s the last thing and the worst thing it does…
"Have you ever been in love? It makes you so vulnerable. [S]omeone can get inside, mess you up. You build up all these defenses, then one stupid person wanders into your stupid life. You give them a piece of you and your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the mind.
It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain
I hate love.”"
- Kanye West